Epic Bro Fest III: Epic Disaster Fest

Location: BeanTown
Dates: 10/29-10/30
Cast: Bro Deez, Bro Sidon, Fat Bro, Cuz Bro
New Brofile: Cuz Bro-The biological kin to Bro Sidon, he wrecked havoc on SUNY Albany before heading to Beantown to slaughter the CoEds at NorthEastern.

Halloween time, and what better way to spend it then roaming around the streets of Boston staring at the plastered Lady Gagas and slutty nurses of the world as they progressively get drunker and drunker to the point where they're willing to shack up with Jonah Hill costumes or any character from Yo Gabba Gabba. Plus, Clemson played at BC that Saturday, and after the Miami debacle the ClemBros were looking for a sure win.

The bros pile into the car with two racks, a handle of Goldschlick and a handle of Captain. Cuz Bro suggests drinking on the ride up and finds Fat Bro already has a beer cracked. The ride up consists of briefing Cuz Bro on the rules of Bro Fest, which he eagerly agrees to and also suggests two more additions from his past weekend.

1) Post finger blasting a girl in your car, if you are presented her mother or father in the time prior to the juices drying off your fingers, make sure to shake her parents hands with those fingers...as a sign of respect.

2) After blowing your load on some section of a slam's body, usually chest or face, always be sure to wipe your jizz off  their bodies using the socks off your feet, extra points for striped socks

The bros ratified these rules and they will here by by referred to as The Ammendments.

Sidon eventually got the wip to Brighton were we'd be shacking up with former HS bros. We started detonating some nattys, caught a buzz, and hit some kind of taxi, T combination to get downtown. While on the T, Cuz Bro starting feeling it and jumped off at a random stop to chase some tail. There seemed like enough for all of us, so we pushed our way through a pack of bums in order to reach the exit.

This was the type of group where there was a lead hooker aka Main Bitch...meaning she's the most hottest but also is the most bitchiest. After some serious spitting by Cuz, this chick asked Cuz if he was a creep. He said "nah". She said, "While why don't I give you my #". Thats early season success.

That pack of lionesses went on their ways, which was good because since Cuz Bro was a local at this point in his college life, he knew a spot we needed to hit up. We chug up the elevator of some skyrise and enter the studio of one chick. We figured Cuz was bringing us to an oasis of puss so we were a little confused if not pissed. Within seconds this bitty whipped out a glass elephant, also known as Dante the Elefante and we became immediately aware of the value of this stop.

We all took some massive rips, and while this was happening Cuz Bro was writing this bitch a note on her Mac Book...something along the lines of "Sorry for bringing all the bros up, let's bang soon". I can just imagine her reading that 20 minutes after we were gone, wipping out her ribbed glass and going to town.



At this point, we were pretty baked. Cuz Bro decided it would be wise to show his fellow bros how he did the city. We boosted him up on top of Quincy Market and he proceed to try and break into at least three open windows where bands were playing. He definitely could have gotten popped by the cops, but the risk of chicks seeing this and getting soaked apparantely outweighed any negative consequences.

The night continued to be highlighted by Cuz Bro, solidifying his status as a Bro. At Ned Devine's, he was heard going up to chicks, questioning them "Why are you dating that guy, he's fucking gay". This turned out to be a great conversation starter. One particular cunt was fiending Cuz so hard that we eventually had to leave him. We have not seen him since.

When we got back to the pad, the perfect baked movie was playing. You guessed it, Anaconda, staring Jon Voight and his amazingly voiced French/Russian/Criminal accent. We stayed up laughing at everything he and natural beauty J. Lo said. Once Jon got regurgitated by the snake and winked, we all had heart attacks and died until the next morning.

Game day morning and the beginning of the disaster. We hit up the Dunkin Donuts for breakfast, each with our own mugs filled with rum and cider. Of course a cop walks in right after us, so we sip our drinks and give shoot him an intimidating nod, knowing internally that we are significantly more valuable as humans than he will ever be. Four bros are drinking rum in a public Dunkin Donuts and he can't even stop us. What a worthless fuck. We each also packed a bottle of straight rum for the walk to Chestnut Hill and proceeded to murder them. We figured we wouldn't need more than that, because we would use our general broness to make "friends" at every tailgate we walk by....basically let middle aged men tell us their life stories while scooping up all the High Lifes from their cooler while they aren't looking.

At one point, while macking on a pack of bitties, a pig drives by in a golf cart and a megaphone telling us we all have to go in the game. Thinking nothing of it, except that bros hate cops, Sidon yells out "Arrest me bro" while holding up his Beast Ice. Like every other time we talk shit to the cops, we figured he would just accept it, go about his business and either beat his wife when he got home or pop the .45 in his mouth and end it. We didn't have a good read on this one. The bro-hating cop came over to us, made us pour out all our drinks and ID'ed us. Of course all the chicks we were with were under 21. As Bro Sidon tried to sweet talk the cop (Bro Sidon has been encarcerated for this previously), the cop told him that "he especially should shut the fuck up". Since we were bros, we got out of it and made our way to the game.

Inside the game, Clemson fucking sucked and eventually lost. The only real highlight of the game was Bro Deez trying to rally hot Clemson girls to cheer for their team. When they appeared disinterested, Deez, in an act of boldness, told them they all sucked which is an act of macking which neither Fat Bro or Sidon were versed in. Even after Clemson lost, we still had a whole night of Halloween sluts, so we really didn't care too much about the beating at the hands of the worst team in the ACC outside of Duke.

It was time to do work. We got back to the bro-pad and immediately crushed all remaining beers while jamming out to 90s acoustic songs, all played in the first position by Bro Sidon with epic singing by Fat Bro and Bro Deez. When the bros who lived at the house returned, we had to get them hammed too, so we immediately passed around the Gold and the Rum until they were both gone.

Besides being hammered (debatable), banging chicks on Halloween requires having a costume that either displays your massive limp cock, or is creative and stimulates their minds and vaginas....so of course Bro Deez was Kenny Powers, Sidon was Russell Brand, and Fat Bro was Brett Favre except with an average sized cock instead of embarassingly small. Each Bro had a fake mustache, and Bro Sidon brought enough fake blow where everyone could load up their 'stash and look primed.

If you read the previous paragraph, you would surmise that besides having the best costumes in Boston, and being lit up on fake coke, these bros were all blowing .3's. Bro Sidon might have been blowing a .4 and proceeded to ruin the night for at least himself and quite possibly all other bros. Sidon was falling into everything, being entirely un-bro. The respectable part was that he at least had the ability to recognize this, and consistently reminded the other bros that he was sorry for being "un-bro". He fell in the tub, into chicks (scaring them) and evenutally into the oven burner (switching it on) which he later tried to put out with his magic "extinguisher finger". The only bro thing he ended up doing was booting all over the car of the biggest douchebag in the apartment. Sidon had to be put to sleep, ending his night. All in all, none of the bros actually went street walking or to any bars, and nobody came close to slaying any chicks on one of the easiest nights of the year to do so. Hence the dubbing...Epic Disaster Fest.

Luckily, the best bro tale awaits and will be told over 3 installments starting 12/2. Epic Bro Fest IV: Beer Fest aka Epic Crush Your Dreams Fest.

Epic Bro Fest 2: "Tiger Slay"

Dates: 9/30-10/2

The Players: Bro-Diesel(Deez), Bro-Sidon, Bromosa(Mosa) aka "Clembros"

New Brofile: Bromosa- attended same HS as Loko, Sidon, Deez and Fat Bro where he dominated all facets of LAX, mainly at goalie. He went to Clemson as well where he was the most ego dominant player on the entire club team. He does lack flow.

It was a good month and a half since the last Epic Bro Fest, and what better occasion to Fest then going down to the alma mater for Home Coming against the Miami Hurricanes. This time Priceline hooked it up and had Sidon and Deez from Hartford to Charlotte for a buck eighty. After downing a few Sam Summers at Bradley and a quick plane commentary about how stewardesses aren't as hot as they use to be, we arrived in Charlotte. I feel bad for those hit flight attendants who had to remove all the Snus from our seat pouches....

Our bro John who kind of went to college with us, maybe a community college near by?, picked us up in his souped up Orange Hummer that his parents bought him and we crashed at his dome for the night. In the morning we picked up our Malibu from the bros at Enterprise and we were on our way to the middle of nowhere, known as Clemson

Thursday
This is one of those trips that you take as a bro, where you plan on staying at least 2 or 3 nights, buy a plane ticket, but really have no idea or plans for where you are actually staying. Its a rush for sure. What we do know is that we are going to hit up Keowee Key for 18, so we stock up on Ronas and Bud Ice and call up Bromosa to make sure he's gonna meet us. We finish the round, probably have a case on the line that really Mosa and Deez were playing for because Sidon is good for a couple of tens. We hit the country club, throw some medium rare prime ribs on Sidon's mom's tab and start making plans for the night.

First, we needed a place to shower, toss on some button ups, some stunners and maybe some of that axe ball cleaner. Bromosa's ex initially told us we could stay at her place, but renigged. (A slight aside about Bromosa, he was always a Bro, but we hadn't seen him in awhile and it was clear he had made some sort of transformation. He was much cockier now, and apparently was now much harder mack than anyone pegged him as.) This renigging bitch was going to be out of the state for the day, so we'd figure we'd at least drive by and see if she left a door open or something.

If there's one thing you can count on a bitty for, besides bleeding, lying, and bulimia...its bad common sense otherwise referred to as being dumb. This chick left her front windows cracked, so all three bros piled in, showered and got prepped to p'wn. The inside of this apartment made it apparent that this chick hadn't gotten any in awhile. Dog hair/toys/shit everywhere...tampons all over her bed....whiteboard writing reminding her to buy tampons...it was a disaster. We made a pact that whatever we did, we would not be sleeping in that shithole. We left the windows cracked just in case....

Anybody who's ever been to Clemson knows Tiger Town Tavern is the spot. I know you other college bros may look at the picture and be like...."that's a fucking shithole"...and honestly, you're right, but it's the best we have in Cow Town. We rolled in and ordered pitcher after pitcher of what became our drink of the weekend...Long Islands. At this point we were pretty hammed from golf, the LIs and the rush of breaking and entering, so obviously it was time to spit. We split up at this point...

Mosa- nowhere to be found for hours  Prediction: Challenging Bros at Golden Tee
Deez- back to macking on Coogs, no reports on a triple kiss...but I haven't checked Perez mcfag Hiltons blog in awhile so you never know when something will pop up.
Sidon- seen talking very closely in the face to some atrocious looking 50 year old Miami female fan...just showing her a good ole Clemson time

BLACKOUT

Friday

Sidon wakes up on a bed filled with dog hair and tampons. Nooooo. He notices nothing familiar and hears the shower running. He walks over to find Deez naked with the curtain open lying in the tub. The search for Mosa ends outside in his Explorer where he lays in the drivers seat. What the fuck happened. As we come together for the morning after jigsaw puzzle, we first notice Deez has scrapes all over his arms and legs and Mosa has what looks like regurgitated pizza all over his button up. Thats when we remembered that on the way home, we stopped to get pizza, Deez fell in the street like four times, and somebody booted up their pizza on Mosa's back. We also remembered boosting Deez through that bitches window to get inside. Wow. Deez stayed in the shower for all of this, and for a good while after too. Sidon eventually had to shit, so it took place feet away from where Deez was showering. While on the can, Sidon got a call, which turned out to be an interview, which he conducted while shitting, while Deez laid in the shower with the water on. Like every other job Sidon's interviewed for, this one didn't end up panning out. 

Friday was another golf day, so we stopped back at Triple T's at 12 noon for a couple LI pitchers and went to meet up with our bro Kendell at the links. Since we're bros, we gin the shit out of everything and only paid $12 a person for 18 holes through EZ Links. The only problem was there was some kind of bullshit frat shot gun tournament going on and they were using all the carts. We sat on the tailgate of the Explorer for awhile drinking Natty Ices and ripping through Kendell's Camel pack until the ranger rounded us up some carts. At around hole 6 we convinced the drunk visor wearing fag pledges driving the beer cart that we were part of the shotgun and merked pure Miller Lites out of their stash. We were all happy about this, except Kendell who prefers High Life. When asked about the new High Life Light he just stared, shook his head, and packed the biggest lip of Grizzly Mint known to man. 

On the way home for dinner, we decide to hold off on Tiger Town and hit up TD's for wings. It was here that Bromosa really showed us how much he matured when he was away from us. Sitting across the bar was a strate up vintage 1935 greying cougar with a "must have taken all morning" perm. You could still see the glare of Price is Right burned into her retinas and if you looked hard enough you could also see Young and the Restless. She was eye grilling the fuck out of our bro. Most bros see this as an opportunity for a great story to tell all your bros, and maybe even your kid if you ever have one by accident that you couldn't pay to abort. 

This archaic creature actually had the sack to come across the bar to spit in Mosas face. The mother fucker told the gargoyle to sit down. Bro

Eventually we ended up at TTT again, killed a bunch of pitchers of LIs, maybe a couple Redbull/Vodka mixtures and started to settle into our own. It was there that Sidon's dreaded ex showed up with some kind of MO. Sidon tried to play it cool, blankly staring at the chick while she cried and tried to conjure up flashbacks of "great" memories of the last 2.5 years. Eventually enough was enough because it was Sidons turn to order the next pitcher. Sidon stood up in the middle of the patio bar, ripped the bitch to shreds using appropriate adjectives like whore, fucking bitch, slam pig, and slore, chucked up deuces, and like clockwork, "Ridin' Solo" by JD starts blaring on the speaks. I would link to JD, but I'd rather link to Weezy and Panda...

We move away from the bad omens of that bar and head to the exclusive Overtime, which we get into using Mosa's bitties credentials (tits). Our games immediately hit a high, as Mosa started spitting at some black chick right in front of his girls face, and all she could do was act impressed. Sidon started off high and went after Euro models and got shot down but they were fucking tall anyway. He moved onto some frisky looking Asians and posted on the dance floor. If you are not already shocked by this diversity at Clemson, then you fucking should be. Deez is getting hit on hard by some established 3rd grade teacher w/ a pension and benefits that he could use, but he was so sloshed that his usual on point verbal tendencies were reduced to mush. Big boobs bought ups some Jager shots, and that queued Mosa to try to hit on the next hottest piece he saw. This included him knocking her beer to the ground, shattering the glass everywhere. Somehow, this turned into a pretty good talking point, and the move will be incorporated into the mack inventory for later usage...

There was no way we were going back to the dog cave that night, so Mosa hooked it up at some apartment of friends of a chick he was slaying w/ big cans and a deep voice. Luckily there were two chicks there, one who repeatedly told us she fucked the tiger mascot, and the other who was a confirmed make out whore. Deez played his cards right, with his usual verbal mastery and had Sidon clearly beat for the make out whore chick. Apparantely this chick's dog was gay and Sidon made it a point to keep repeating that, while Deez cleverly kept petting the dog and basically doing a lot of Dog Whispering. This might be the second instance of a cock block in bro history, or just a smart play. 

Blackout 

Saturday: Gameday

We woke up on various couches and floors in another random apartment with these bitties. Bromosa earns his nick-name at this point making us all stout Mermosas, which honestly neither of us knew what the hell they were before, and when we found out, we decided they were pretty fagly. We also decided that anything you drink before noon gets grandfathered into being couth. We drank these until we ran out of OJ, did a couple redbull and vodkas, and jumped into Mosas explorer. The main memory I have of this trip is Bromosa navigating his Explorer, aviators on, bottle of champagne in mouth cruising down a country back road while the other five of us are screaming out the windows to an amazing trifecta of G6, Teenage Dream, and Fast Car. At the same time, Deez is also macking hard on this hotty Ryan (a bitch who literally transcended hotness, using a +3 for drunk scale equalizer she was a 10, or dime) with his verbal soliloquies. Sidon calls out "Bro you're really spitting hard on this chick" to his face for official block #3.

We park in some campus employee handicapped spot, pound the rest of the champagne and head into the game with our free student tickets we got Mosas ex to get us. We snuck into the lower section where Clemson lead up until we got kicked out of these sick seats and into the upper deck. The upperdeck at Death Valley must be as high as the Sears Tower or at least that Seattle needle thing, but it was closer than we ever wanted to be to the 2nd half. Kyle Parker pansied around, fled the pocket and pretty much convinced every one he was scared to get hurt for fear of jeopardizing his MLB money. Bro, you can't hit a curve ball, and your pro contract still pays you less than Cam Newton made in eighth grade. Plus...look how gay you look....

Needless to say...we got killed...drove back to Charlotte drunk as shit for our 6 a.m. flight and started plotting the next fest aboard our Canadair 900 operated by Mesa Airlines. 

Preface

The evolution of a Bro:

Most of the Bros you will read about on this blog have typical attributes of most Bros; Born into suburbia in a Northeastern state, attended a high school that ranked as one of the top drinking and drugging high schools in the country consistently by Forbes magazine or whoever rates that shit and played some kind of Bro sport like baseball or LAX, and if they played soccer they made sure to drink extra on weekends to make up for playing such a fag sport. These Bros attended major colleges like Ball St., Clemson and USC where the puss was plentiful and willing,  and of course domination of said puss occurred to the point of meat curtain generation. After college, a Bro is let out into the world of an uncertain future. Do you jump into the real world, get some gay job in finance that your Dad had to hook you up with and lose all the bro-tributes you have mastered over the past 8 or so years? After 8 years of maxing out puss, weights and kegstands (which now have morphed into Four Loko funnels), we figured this couldn't happen. Yes, we would get jobs, because we aren't being bankrolled by the midge and papa dukes. But we would take as many 3 and 4 day weekends as possible and head off on what are now referred to as "Epic Bro Fests". The goal of these fests are to...

 1) Get Hammered
2)Do ridiculous stuff up until the point of arrest, taking it the the point of arrest if needed
3)Kill packs of bouges while mouthing horseshoes of buy one get one free snus
4)Fist pump and rave dance to all White Panda mash-ups and She-Wolf, most likely on repeat
5)Dominate at all drinking games, and if somehow we lost, lie to every chick about it later
6)Mercilessly Slay Vadge


On to the Fests...