With all Bros currently spread throughout the North East, there was a little separation Bro-xiety that was occurring. We were all working monotonous jobs and were tired of hanging around with the same poon and hitting local bars w/ faux bros. The group made a plan to visit Bro-Sidon in New Jersey and head to Atlantic City since most of the bros were from CT and had played that scene out for too long. Now is probably a good time to break down the Bros...
Bro Loko- Attended a CT HS, a proud "real" USC Gamecock and lover of whiskey and USA Golds. His ideal woman is blond, porn star hot and dumb as shit
Bro Diesel- Attended said CT HS, and STD haven Coastal Carolina as well as Clemson. His ideal woman is small enough to crush with an average sized cock, with usually an a-cup, max B- cup chest line and an ass small enough to hurt when it sits
Fat Bro- Yes, same CT HS and went to Providence where he mastered free-styling and his palette for dope beats to get gineys wet
Bro-Sidon- Graduated HS 05 with the previous three bros, went to Clemson with Bro-Deez. Ideal girl looks strate out of the fetus, probably has braces and is down for gonzo
Bro Munoz- From Indiana, went to Ball State. You will notice he is Mexican, but he looks white as fuck to me. His ideal girl is also a white as fuck mexican.
So once we got all the bros to commit, we set the date and started making moves. Bro Deez, Loko and Fat Bro would car down from CT, over the GWB and meet up with Bro-Sidon and Munoz at the Jersey Shore. The three Bros left the lodging decision to Bro-Sidon and were sure that he would hook them up with at least a suite in the Borgata. Upon arriving, Bro-Sidon informed them he got fucked by Priceline's "Name Your Own Price" and that they would be staying at the most ghetto Best Western in town. The kicker was the bros would receive complimentary make your own waffles in the morning. Touche BW.
As the bros made the hour long trek to AC, minds wandered about what kind of strange we would get into and it was determined that if we were going to have Bro Fests on the reg, there would need to be some sort of rules, Bill of Rights if you will, for bros to abide by when bro-ing on a bro fest. Without a question, the bros determined the rule to be followed by all, is no fucking condoms. Raw dog the shit out of everything you encounter, because hey, they're an inconvenient and science has proved that chicks who fuck guys who wear condoms are more likely to kill themselves than girls who get rawed. I wanted to post the link to that science for back up but I can't find it, but don't doubt me. This is probably the only example in any blog post of bros looking out for chicks
Some of the other rules include
2) Cock blocking is fair game and respectable
3) No falling in love
4) Something about needing to buy aersol whip cream in order to be able to stand eating ass and for spraying on the free morning waffles
5) Something about having to call location on where your nut was going before you blew it on a bitty
Okay, so you can see we were getting excited. We arrived in AC, snuck our 5 people into a 2 person room, thanks to some blind Indian dudes and decided to start pre-gaming. Thanks to Bro-Sidon's workplace, the crew had 48 Ronas and Yings as well as Tequillia and some fag Belv to get into. An hour or so of Three man got the ball rolling...
Any Bro knows that if you are going to binge for 10 hours...you need a good base. The Bros went out in search of food, pockets stacked of snus and camels and found a place called Irish Pub on the strip. Besides crushing $1 Coors Lites the monumental event was Bro-Sidon getting iced by his fellow bros in the most epic way. The other Bros got the sluttress to deliver Sidon an Ice with a spray of whipped cream as desert. Hopefully it wasn't out of the same can as the ass cream.....
First stop, Wild Wild West for 2 dollar Brews, 3 dollar shots and blackjack. When you're in AC, you have 3 goals; drink, gamble and hit up a club for drunk sluts and if that doesn't work, go up to the 24th floor of the Borgata and knock on every door until you find a winner. We each lost a good hundo or broke even and determined we'd had enough of the mute smirking Asian dealer who wouldn't let us say "Fuck" when we lost a $50 20 hand to a showing 6, 21 hit by the dealer. We rolled out of there and hit the Gitney
On the Git, there were two smokeshow dimes in front of us that we began spitting hard at. At this point, Bro Munoz was showing that he must of been pounding date rape laced mixers at Ballys because he was hammed. Something pissed him off about these smokers and he went on a yelling tirade, exclaiming to both (smokeshows mind you) that they "WERE NOT FUCKING HOT", and also that "YOUR NOT EVEN HOT". This represents the first indirect cockblock of Bro Fest. We respected it and got off the git.
Borgata time, and for us that meant Gypsy bar because we'd had luck there before with bachelorette parties and namely cougs. Plus their live bands usually played solid bro covers like Sublime and Counting Crows before the Crows turned gay when Duritz got dumped by that hot chick he never should have been dating. We get through the line and are totally ready to start downing 9 dollar Bud Lights and spitting hard. To give this blog perspective, I'm going to take one and say I'm Bro-Sidon and will start talking in the first person instead of multiple other confusing ones. From what I remember, I'm in there, bro-ing hard w/ Munoz and Loko, grinding on every piece of ass we see and fist pumping to 90's jams when I look behind me and see Bro-Deez tripple kissing some strate up 40 year old cougs, who were hot. To this day, Deez still says they were younger, but they weren't, but who cares. Riding high on confidence, Bro-Deez decides to pick a fight with Bro-Loko who apparently was trying to high five Deez for his coug macking, but instead ended up slapping him in the face a bunch of times. Some fag bro saw this and tried to make a move on both, so we decided it was time to leave.
Sometime in the scuffle w/ Deez and Gay Bro, Bro Loko disappeared. We figured he either found a coog or some 8 ball dealing hustler and bounced. So me, Deez, Fat Bro and Munoz hopped a cab to the boardwalk where it was time to re-up on food, and obviously at the notorious gyro hut. The chick there was speaking kind of fast, and Munoz couldn't get across to her that he wanted no lettuce, nor lechuga on his gyro. He flipped the switch and started speaking pure apparent Mexican to this bitch, assuring us that he was in fact Mexican, apparently. The Gyro bitch got one of the Mexican cooks back to translate and soon enough we all had the customized gyros we dreamed of.
Walking back to the BW, we knew the night couldn't be over yet, and of course it wasn't. Two other bros fucked up out of their minds approach us on the street, and let us know they are high on coke, ectasy and weed (really bros?). After walking with them for a second, they definitely were. Figuring we could score some kind of bud off these walking disasters, we made an epic bro barter Oregon Trail style. You light us up, and we provide you with the roof of our BW room and some Ronas. Of course they obliged. We get to the room and find Bro Loko racked on the bed, no Coogs or 8 Balls in site. He's hammed which is respectable. What we can't find in the room is something to smoke out of, but random off the street bros proved their worth by going to the night stand, popping out the drawer, and ripping out the now greatest bible page of all time, John:19. John's inky prose really lit into us, and we were ready to hit the streets again. This was the last stop for Bro Munoz as he joined Loko in eternal rest.
Back on the streets, random street bros coke highs were wearing thin. Lucky for them, in a dark alley near by two nogs approach. "Hey man, have you guys been in this strip club", he ebonicked. "Nah", we say. "It's wack, you guys need some blow?",said nog. Right there the benefits of AC shine through. Random bros don't have money, but random nog assures them he will take them to an ATM, stand behind them, steal their pins and kill them both. We say our parting words to random bros and move on.
Since we weren't bedding any Coogs at this point and were too far away from the Borgata to ding dong bang, it was strip club time. We found one that looked appealing, and headed in. As soon as we found a sick table, a bouncer nog comes in telling us we snuck in and didnt pay. Well, ya of course. Bros don't pay for pussy. Bro Deez took this to heart and used his practiced verbal roundabouts on the bouncer nogs until they agreed to let us in for free. We got back to our table and started grilling. To our amazement, these chicks couldn't get fucking naked. It made no sense. Weeks ago Munoz, Loko and myself were at Lucky Sevens about to pay an Asian sex slave $200 for sex in a shower, sex in a bed and maybe a kiss while getting served Poland Springs from said Asian slaves Asian enslaved grandmother. This was whack!
Deez was in the hot seat, the seat at the strip club every Bro despises. A Bro wants to be able to pick out his slam pig, not the other way around. All kinds of dumpster ass AC sluts were coming up to Deez and offering some kind of dripping pussy lap dance. He some how declined all of them even with the surmounting pressure for Fat Bro and myself. I wasn't so lucky as a nog stripper ho caught my eye (fuck), sat down next to me and fucking started rubbing all over my kryptonite. When any whore does that, its game on regardless of looks. I took her into the VIP for a dance, where I pretty much expected to get blown like most guys do, and this chick was ugly enough to maybe do it for $50. Of course my hopes were too high, and after a half song the bitch quit. She brought me back to my seat where she continued stroking the cock and telling me if I ponied up a couple hundo she would open up the playbook to me. In hindsight, to get my numbers up I probably should have done it, but said no dice. When I got back, Fat Bro was gone. Deez said he went for a dance. When he came back he said he had fallen for stripper tricks and coughed up 2 large for a glorified dance where the chick didnt even give him a sniff.
We hammeredly stumbled our way back to the BW, and Epic Bro Fest 1is in the books....
