The Players: Bro-Diesel(Deez), Bro-Sidon, Bromosa(Mosa) aka "Clembros"
New Brofile: Bromosa- attended same HS as Loko, Sidon, Deez and Fat Bro where he dominated all facets of LAX, mainly at goalie. He went to Clemson as well where he was the most ego dominant player on the entire club team. He does lack flow.
It was a good month and a half since the last Epic Bro Fest, and what better occasion to Fest then going down to the alma mater for Home Coming against the Miami Hurricanes. This time Priceline hooked it up and had Sidon and Deez from Hartford to Charlotte for a buck eighty. After downing a few Sam Summers at Bradley and a quick plane commentary about how stewardesses aren't as hot as they use to be, we arrived in Charlotte. I feel bad for those hit flight attendants who had to remove all the Snus from our seat pouches....
Our bro John who kind of went to college with us, maybe a community college near by?, picked us up in his souped up Orange Hummer that his parents bought him and we crashed at his dome for the night. In the morning we picked up our Malibu from the bros at Enterprise and we were on our way to the middle of nowhere, known as Clemson
Thursday
This is one of those trips that you take as a bro, where you plan on staying at least 2 or 3 nights, buy a plane ticket, but really have no idea or plans for where you are actually staying. Its a rush for sure. What we do know is that we are going to hit up Keowee Key for 18, so we stock up on Ronas and Bud Ice and call up Bromosa to make sure he's gonna meet us. We finish the round, probably have a case on the line that really Mosa and Deez were playing for because Sidon is good for a couple of tens. We hit the country club, throw some medium rare prime ribs on Sidon's mom's tab and start making plans for the night.
First, we needed a place to shower, toss on some button ups, some stunners and maybe some of that axe ball cleaner. Bromosa's ex initially told us we could stay at her place, but renigged. (A slight aside about Bromosa, he was always a Bro, but we hadn't seen him in awhile and it was clear he had made some sort of transformation. He was much cockier now, and apparently was now much harder mack than anyone pegged him as.) This renigging bitch was going to be out of the state for the day, so we'd figure we'd at least drive by and see if she left a door open or something.
If there's one thing you can count on a bitty for, besides bleeding, lying, and bulimia...its bad common sense otherwise referred to as being dumb. This chick left her front windows cracked, so all three bros piled in, showered and got prepped to p'wn. The inside of this apartment made it apparent that this chick hadn't gotten any in awhile. Dog hair/toys/shit everywhere...tampons all over her bed....whiteboard writing reminding her to buy tampons...it was a disaster. We made a pact that whatever we did, we would not be sleeping in that shithole. We left the windows cracked just in case....
Anybody who's ever been to Clemson knows Tiger Town Tavern is the spot. I know you other college bros may look at the picture and be like...."that's a fucking shithole"...and honestly, you're right, but it's the best we have in Cow Town. We rolled in and ordered pitcher after pitcher of what became our drink of the weekend...Long Islands. At this point we were pretty hammed from golf, the LIs and the rush of breaking and entering, so obviously it was time to spit. We split up at this point...
Mosa- nowhere to be found for hours Prediction: Challenging Bros at Golden Tee
Deez- back to macking on Coogs, no reports on a triple kiss...but I haven't checked Perez mcfag Hiltons blog in awhile so you never know when something will pop up.
Sidon- seen talking very closely in the face to some atrocious looking 50 year old Miami female fan...just showing her a good ole Clemson time
BLACKOUT
Friday
Sidon wakes up on a bed filled with dog hair and tampons. Nooooo. He notices nothing familiar and hears the shower running. He walks over to find Deez naked with the curtain open lying in the tub. The search for Mosa ends outside in his Explorer where he lays in the drivers seat. What the fuck happened. As we come together for the morning after jigsaw puzzle, we first notice Deez has scrapes all over his arms and legs and Mosa has what looks like regurgitated pizza all over his button up. Thats when we remembered that on the way home, we stopped to get pizza, Deez fell in the street like four times, and somebody booted up their pizza on Mosa's back. We also remembered boosting Deez through that bitches window to get inside. Wow. Deez stayed in the shower for all of this, and for a good while after too. Sidon eventually had to shit, so it took place feet away from where Deez was showering. While on the can, Sidon got a call, which turned out to be an interview, which he conducted while shitting, while Deez laid in the shower with the water on. Like every other job Sidon's interviewed for, this one didn't end up panning out.
Friday was another golf day, so we stopped back at Triple T's at 12 noon for a couple LI pitchers and went to meet up with our bro Kendell at the links. Since we're bros, we gin the shit out of everything and only paid $12 a person for 18 holes through EZ Links. The only problem was there was some kind of bullshit frat shot gun tournament going on and they were using all the carts. We sat on the tailgate of the Explorer for awhile drinking Natty Ices and ripping through Kendell's Camel pack until the ranger rounded us up some carts. At around hole 6 we convinced the drunk visor wearing fag pledges driving the beer cart that we were part of the shotgun and merked pure Miller Lites out of their stash. We were all happy about this, except Kendell who prefers High Life. When asked about the new High Life Light he just stared, shook his head, and packed the biggest lip of Grizzly Mint known to man.
On the way home for dinner, we decide to hold off on Tiger Town and hit up TD's for wings. It was here that Bromosa really showed us how much he matured when he was away from us. Sitting across the bar was a strate up vintage 1935 greying cougar with a "must have taken all morning" perm. You could still see the glare of Price is Right burned into her retinas and if you looked hard enough you could also see Young and the Restless. She was eye grilling the fuck out of our bro. Most bros see this as an opportunity for a great story to tell all your bros, and maybe even your kid if you ever have one by accident that you couldn't pay to abort.
This archaic creature actually had the sack to come across the bar to spit in Mosas face. The mother fucker told the gargoyle to sit down. Bro
Eventually we ended up at TTT again, killed a bunch of pitchers of LIs, maybe a couple Redbull/Vodka mixtures and started to settle into our own. It was there that Sidon's dreaded ex showed up with some kind of MO. Sidon tried to play it cool, blankly staring at the chick while she cried and tried to conjure up flashbacks of "great" memories of the last 2.5 years. Eventually enough was enough because it was Sidons turn to order the next pitcher. Sidon stood up in the middle of the patio bar, ripped the bitch to shreds using appropriate adjectives like whore, fucking bitch, slam pig, and slore, chucked up deuces, and like clockwork, "Ridin' Solo" by JD starts blaring on the speaks. I would link to JD, but I'd rather link to Weezy and Panda...
We move away from the bad omens of that bar and head to the exclusive Overtime, which we get into using Mosa's bitties credentials (tits). Our games immediately hit a high, as Mosa started spitting at some black chick right in front of his girls face, and all she could do was act impressed. Sidon started off high and went after Euro models and got shot down but they were fucking tall anyway. He moved onto some frisky looking Asians and posted on the dance floor. If you are not already shocked by this diversity at Clemson, then you fucking should be. Deez is getting hit on hard by some established 3rd grade teacher w/ a pension and benefits that he could use, but he was so sloshed that his usual on point verbal tendencies were reduced to mush. Big boobs bought ups some Jager shots, and that queued Mosa to try to hit on the next hottest piece he saw. This included him knocking her beer to the ground, shattering the glass everywhere. Somehow, this turned into a pretty good talking point, and the move will be incorporated into the mack inventory for later usage...
We move away from the bad omens of that bar and head to the exclusive Overtime, which we get into using Mosa's bitties credentials (tits). Our games immediately hit a high, as Mosa started spitting at some black chick right in front of his girls face, and all she could do was act impressed. Sidon started off high and went after Euro models and got shot down but they were fucking tall anyway. He moved onto some frisky looking Asians and posted on the dance floor. If you are not already shocked by this diversity at Clemson, then you fucking should be. Deez is getting hit on hard by some established 3rd grade teacher w/ a pension and benefits that he could use, but he was so sloshed that his usual on point verbal tendencies were reduced to mush. Big boobs bought ups some Jager shots, and that queued Mosa to try to hit on the next hottest piece he saw. This included him knocking her beer to the ground, shattering the glass everywhere. Somehow, this turned into a pretty good talking point, and the move will be incorporated into the mack inventory for later usage...
There was no way we were going back to the dog cave that night, so Mosa hooked it up at some apartment of friends of a chick he was slaying w/ big cans and a deep voice. Luckily there were two chicks there, one who repeatedly told us she fucked the tiger mascot, and the other who was a confirmed make out whore. Deez played his cards right, with his usual verbal mastery and had Sidon clearly beat for the make out whore chick. Apparantely this chick's dog was gay and Sidon made it a point to keep repeating that, while Deez cleverly kept petting the dog and basically doing a lot of Dog Whispering. This might be the second instance of a cock block in bro history, or just a smart play.
Blackout
Saturday: Gameday
We woke up on various couches and floors in another random apartment with these bitties. Bromosa earns his nick-name at this point making us all stout Mermosas, which honestly neither of us knew what the hell they were before, and when we found out, we decided they were pretty fagly. We also decided that anything you drink before noon gets grandfathered into being couth. We drank these until we ran out of OJ, did a couple redbull and vodkas, and jumped into Mosas explorer. The main memory I have of this trip is Bromosa navigating his Explorer, aviators on, bottle of champagne in mouth cruising down a country back road while the other five of us are screaming out the windows to an amazing trifecta of G6, Teenage Dream, and Fast Car. At the same time, Deez is also macking hard on this hotty Ryan (a bitch who literally transcended hotness, using a +3 for drunk scale equalizer she was a 10, or dime) with his verbal soliloquies. Sidon calls out "Bro you're really spitting hard on this chick" to his face for official block #3.
We park in some campus employee handicapped spot, pound the rest of the champagne and head into the game with our free student tickets we got Mosas ex to get us. We snuck into the lower section where Clemson lead up until we got kicked out of these sick seats and into the upper deck. The upperdeck at Death Valley must be as high as the Sears Tower or at least that Seattle needle thing, but it was closer than we ever wanted to be to the 2nd half. Kyle Parker pansied around, fled the pocket and pretty much convinced every one he was scared to get hurt for fear of jeopardizing his MLB money. Bro, you can't hit a curve ball, and your pro contract still pays you less than Cam Newton made in eighth grade. Plus...look how gay you look....
Needless to say...we got killed...drove back to Charlotte drunk as shit for our 6 a.m. flight and started plotting the next fest aboard our Canadair 900 operated by Mesa Airlines.
