Dates: 10/29-10/30
Cast: Bro Deez, Bro Sidon, Fat Bro, Cuz Bro
New Brofile: Cuz Bro-The biological kin to Bro Sidon, he wrecked havoc on SUNY Albany before heading to Beantown to slaughter the CoEds at NorthEastern.
Halloween time, and what better way to spend it then roaming around the streets of Boston staring at the plastered Lady Gagas and slutty nurses of the world as they progressively get drunker and drunker to the point where they're willing to shack up with Jonah Hill costumes or any character from Yo Gabba Gabba. Plus, Clemson played at BC that Saturday, and after the Miami debacle the ClemBros were looking for a sure win.
The bros pile into the car with two racks, a handle of Goldschlick and a handle of Captain. Cuz Bro suggests drinking on the ride up and finds Fat Bro already has a beer cracked. The ride up consists of briefing Cuz Bro on the rules of Bro Fest, which he eagerly agrees to and also suggests two more additions from his past weekend.
1) Post finger blasting a girl in your car, if you are presented her mother or father in the time prior to the juices drying off your fingers, make sure to shake her parents hands with those fingers...as a sign of respect.
2) After blowing your load on some section of a slam's body, usually chest or face, always be sure to wipe your jizz off their bodies using the socks off your feet, extra points for striped socks
The bros ratified these rules and they will here by by referred to as The Ammendments.
Sidon eventually got the wip to Brighton were we'd be shacking up with former HS bros. We started detonating some nattys, caught a buzz, and hit some kind of taxi, T combination to get downtown. While on the T, Cuz Bro starting feeling it and jumped off at a random stop to chase some tail. There seemed like enough for all of us, so we pushed our way through a pack of bums in order to reach the exit.
This was the type of group where there was a lead hooker aka Main Bitch...meaning she's the most hottest but also is the most bitchiest. After some serious spitting by Cuz, this chick asked Cuz if he was a creep. He said "nah". She said, "While why don't I give you my #". Thats early season success.
That pack of lionesses went on their ways, which was good because since Cuz Bro was a local at this point in his college life, he knew a spot we needed to hit up. We chug up the elevator of some skyrise and enter the studio of one chick. We figured Cuz was bringing us to an oasis of puss so we were a little confused if not pissed. Within seconds this bitty whipped out a glass elephant, also known as Dante the Elefante and we became immediately aware of the value of this stop.
At this point, we were pretty baked. Cuz Bro decided it would be wise to show his fellow bros how he did the city. We boosted him up on top of Quincy Market and he proceed to try and break into at least three open windows where bands were playing. He definitely could have gotten popped by the cops, but the risk of chicks seeing this and getting soaked apparantely outweighed any negative consequences.
The night continued to be highlighted by Cuz Bro, solidifying his status as a Bro. At Ned Devine's, he was heard going up to chicks, questioning them "Why are you dating that guy, he's fucking gay". This turned out to be a great conversation starter. One particular cunt was fiending Cuz so hard that we eventually had to leave him. We have not seen him since.
When we got back to the pad, the perfect baked movie was playing. You guessed it, Anaconda, staring Jon Voight and his amazingly voiced French/Russian/Criminal accent. We stayed up laughing at everything he and natural beauty J. Lo said. Once Jon got regurgitated by the snake and winked, we all had heart attacks and died until the next morning.
At one point, while macking on a pack of bitties, a pig drives by in a golf cart and a megaphone telling us we all have to go in the game. Thinking nothing of it, except that bros hate cops, Sidon yells out "Arrest me bro" while holding up his Beast Ice. Like every other time we talk shit to the cops, we figured he would just accept it, go about his business and either beat his wife when he got home or pop the .45 in his mouth and end it. We didn't have a good read on this one. The bro-hating cop came over to us, made us pour out all our drinks and ID'ed us. Of course all the chicks we were with were under 21. As Bro Sidon tried to sweet talk the cop (Bro Sidon has been encarcerated for this previously), the cop told him that "he especially should shut the fuck up". Since we were bros, we got out of it and made our way to the game.
Inside the game, Clemson fucking sucked and eventually lost. The only real highlight of the game was Bro Deez trying to rally hot Clemson girls to cheer for their team. When they appeared disinterested, Deez, in an act of boldness, told them they all sucked which is an act of macking which neither Fat Bro or Sidon were versed in. Even after Clemson lost, we still had a whole night of Halloween sluts, so we really didn't care too much about the beating at the hands of the worst team in the ACC outside of Duke.
It was time to do work. We got back to the bro-pad and immediately crushed all remaining beers while jamming out to 90s acoustic songs, all played in the first position by Bro Sidon with epic singing by Fat Bro and Bro Deez. When the bros who lived at the house returned, we had to get them hammed too, so we immediately passed around the Gold and the Rum until they were both gone.
Besides being hammered (debatable), banging chicks on Halloween requires having a costume that either displays your massive limp cock, or is creative and stimulates their minds and vaginas....so of course Bro Deez was Kenny Powers, Sidon was Russell Brand, and Fat Bro was Brett Favre except with an average sized cock instead of embarassingly small. Each Bro had a fake mustache, and Bro Sidon brought enough fake blow where everyone could load up their 'stash and look primed.
Luckily, the best bro tale awaits and will be told over 3 installments starting 12/2. Epic Bro Fest IV: Beer Fest aka Epic Crush Your Dreams Fest.
